I’ve been traveling and living so fully (most of that time). In no particular order, here are just a few things I’ve done in the past nine weeks instead of posting blogs, in pictures:
Tag Archives: uk
This will be uncharacteristically short.
Even though the past two months were much better than they’ve been over the past four years for reasons I’ve discussed and explored here, they were still very emotional for reasons I also discussed and explored here. Because of the time of year and all the exciting and wondrous and painful changes, many of my recent posts have been processing emotional pain and unrequited love and past traumas.
But not this one.
Although my nights and weekends are still hard, as that’s when the loneliness threatens to smother me, when the distractions and sounds of the world fade into the dark night. There’s just so much silence.
Tonight in Lancaster, England, even the parrot is quiet. The moon is illuminating the clouds outside my window just as my computer screen is illuminating the tears on my cheeks. I think of him, so far away…in every way.
Before the silence and darkness and loneliness of the night, however, my day was wondrous. I had my first English riding lesson, and I did really well. My teacher was impressed with how much I already knew. The parrot (Mr. Stinkki) sat on my shoulder and even gave me a kiss.
I watch the sunset with him every night and remember how I used to watch it with Buster, and I grieve that loss while strengthening the bond with my new feathered friend. Once I get through tonight, tomorrow I have a personal training session so I can continue building strength, both body and mind.
Once I get through tomorrow night, I have a cello lesson the following day. I’ve already picked out “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” on it, I’m quite proud to say.
Then this weekend, when there is so much time to fill, I will go for a hike in the Lake District and visit Wordsworth’s home. Perhaps even see his daffodils.
Overall, my new life is quite beautiful, the heartbreak and loneliness somehow exquisite in their pain. The joy of England and new adventures and fulfilling work and realized dreams fill my days.
The nights aren’t all that long after all.
After the tears, I dream. Sometimes of him. Sometimes of me. Sometimes of all the things I’ll do and all the places I’ll visit. Then I drift to sleep and let the peace of unconsciousness envelop me.
This has been an incredible year so far!
Since January 1st, I’ve met brilliant co-workers, made new friends, traveled to five countries (9 cities), reconnected with old friends, met someone special, and danced – danced – danced. For someone who has become accustomed to copious amounts of silence and solitude, all that has been considerable stimulation and emotion in a relatively short amount of time (especially for an HSP with C-PTSD like me).
Earlier this week during a very emotional time (yay menopausal hormones; intense, new, confusing feelings; and a full moon…all at once!), I was listening to Les Miserables “On My Own” (the ultimate song of unrequited love) and “I Dreamed a Dream,” trying to convince myself that my current tears were the direct result of having hope, of opening my heart again, of daring to feel new love and desire. I lamented being on my own, fully feeling the exquisite agony of unrequited, impossible love until the sadness naturally passed.
I started writing a blog post about being “too” — too much, too sensitive, too intense, too verbose, too needy, too emotional, too loud, too nice (critique, not compliment), too fat, too thin, too weird, too insecure, too dramatic, too fill-in-the-blank, as I’ve been told far “too” many times in my life. Read the rest of this entry »
If you want to venture outside of the cities and towns, you might need to rent a car. There are coach tours that take you around, which are a great way to see the country’s main attractions, but if you crave more independence and solitude, you can hire a car.
The first time I drove in the UK was 1990. I was 20 years old without a fear in the world. I remember the novelty of driving on the left, and the biggest problem I had was when I turned a corner. My instinct and training wanted to bear right, so I had to keep repeating “stay left” to myself as I turned. Read the rest of this entry »
The past five years have been the most difficult of my life. The person I was in 2010 is dead, but it was a slow, agonizing death brought about by deceptions, betrayals, and even sexual assault. Just when I thought I couldn’t lose anymore, after having lost my community, my faith, my job, my home, and my very identity, my husband of 15 years moved out.
The one thing I thought was strong enough to survive anything, wasn’t. The one person I thought I could trust to be honest and genuine wasn’t. In his own words, he’s been pretending to be someone else for the bulk of our marriage.
I don’t even know how to process that.
He’s made it clear he doesn’t want me around, and I had nothing left in the States except a handful of dear friends scattered around the country, an unfulfilling job, and an empty apartment. Read the rest of this entry »